The Lost Boy
by Danny Barefoot
Summary: The street kid lyra finds severed in the wilderness tells his story. Chapters 6 and 9 modified, R&R last three chapters, please.
1. Default Chapter

Hi, this is my first upload, and something of a toe in the water. I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't want reviews from anyone who has something to say. The cockney isn't as good as Huckleberry Finn, I know, but tell me if it works. Oh, and if Eurydice ever reads this, you've got a duty to do something with your own Tony story.  
  
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Prologue.  
  
I'm Tony Makarios, an' yer probably ain't 'eard of me, even if yer 'ave read Mr Pullman's book 'Nor'fern Lights'. I doesn't give a monkey's 'ow much he made up, because all the bits to do with me was true, trust me on that. Every'fing about me-tough, kind-'arted, not the brightest-'as to be true, 'cos Mr Pullman says so. But I remembers all of what 'appened wiv' the Station, an' Bridget, an' my Ratter. 'Ad a long time to fink on it. Reckon you's too old for fairytales? 'Bout a boy who's whisked off to some strange an' faraway place, finds things in himself an' in the world 'ee would never 'ave found in the gutter (Nuffing in the gutter but slops- they slip 'froo yer fingers, an' yer can't feel 'em, never.)? The stories where every'un knows the endin'? Like that story called 'Clockwork' wiv', the clockwork prince, that Mr Pullman wrote as well? You don't want a fairytale. I was sculpted, taught to speak an' live, an' feel-just so I could die. An' the great, towerin' fairytale, with a sting in it, hah, could go on. There's only one fairy in this tale, an' 'er eye's was full of stings, and Mrs Coulter an' the ovvers, they was-death 'asn't no sting the nurses told us in the chapel. My story was all sting. But I didn't know that yet.  
  
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(Tony's apparent knowledge of Phillip Pullman, Pygmalion, imagery of Laurie Lee etc, none of which I own, is the result of morphic resonance, a trick Terry Pratchett uses to sneak in homages in every book he has written. Death has simply cleared Tony's mind a little.) 


	2. Chapter1

Chapter1

  I reckons I could say twice as much on all the months of me life as I'm going to say about the one or two where sumfing 'appened. If I were talky, an' remembered it, an' if most of it weren't fings I fought, starin' in at windows, or the river, or at the folk in the street. Made every'un call me dozy Tony an' even I weren't interested in 'em much.

  The sun was going down on London, an' I was moochyin' froo the market place, think about 'ow I was gonna get some dinner, an' what I could do afterwards wiv' the money I 'ad (mebbe watch a magic lantern show, or get a spinnin' top from sumun') Mebbe some ovver fings like 'ow cold me feet was. Me Ma, she couldn't find 'er gin that mornin', an' she said I stole it an' threw an' old boot at me (I'd done it a few times, but Mr O'Brien 'ad sworn off, an' didn't want to buy 'em off me no more). I fought, _She'll 'ave forgotten by tomorrow, an' if I see a lantern show I can tell 'er what 'appened. Yeah, she'd like that. Just 'ope she 'ain't forgot already an' started worryin'._

  I went on moochyin', keepin' me ears open for me Ratter's whistle, then pickin' some stuff off the stalls–I reckons it ok if yer needs it, an' can't afford to waste gelt, even if yer got a little bit. I listens to the 'um, you gets in markets (thick an' lively as Thames water), an' watched the people, an' the food…

–Oi! You little wretch, come 'ere!

  I 'ad to scarper, but no'un was interested in chasin' me, an' I 'ad me pie. The gravy mixed wiv' the dirt round me fingernails as I was runnin', an' I squeezed me 'and shut, feeling the grease.

–'Fink that's it fer tonight, Rat?

–'Ave to do. Not enough to keep a cat on.

  She don't need to eat, of course, but she don't want me to be 'ungry–dear ole' Ratter. I looked down at 'er, preenin' 'er whiskers, as I fought 'ow good I was to be getting' this pie. She was the only fing that cared about me more than anything, an' we 'ardly spoke at all sometimes (I 'adn't asked 'er at all to tell me when the stallpeople weren't lookin'), but we was close enough to almost forget we was two. Me Ma cared about me, but there was always the bottle there–she could forget me sometimes, oh she could.

  I wasn't finkin' that then, just fillin' me cake'ole. I was 'aving to blow gravy bits out me nose, when I turned, an' Ratter 'ad left me. Just gone, without a 'by your leave'–gave me a bit of a turn.

–Ratter!

–Alright Tony. Friends.

  I'd 'ad a shock, 'cos I knew Ratter didn't run off after fings. But 'er…she was amazing, like someone 'oo wasn't a person at all, 'cos I'd seen lots of people, but no one like this lady. She 'ad a Foxfur scarf, 'er 'air was great an' dark, 'er face shone like a friendly doorway, a welcome. 'Er deamon, 'ee was a monkey, wiv' real gold fur, like a king in robes, wiv' me Ratter sat on 'is paw, a sparrow. Between the two of 'em, I forgot I was there, almost.


	3. Chapter2:journey

Chapter2

  Don't remember too well what 'appened then. I remembers the lady's voice–'er words was like song, and a glance from 'er seemed worth what only Ratter 'ad felt for me. I knew I'd see nuffin' like 'er again, I couldn't 'ave beared doin' anything that wouldn't 'ave made 'er 'appy.

  Then the taste an' warmth of a mug of choclatl, the feel of a choccy moustache round me mouth–I'd 'ad it once before, but not ever again. An' the last memory there is me face between rich red fur an' fick, shinin' 'air, with the lady looking down an' smiling, an' the little tingle of 'er deamon's fingers stroking Ratter's fur. All the other children, followin' the lady down to the docks, what she told us, an' walkin' with Ratter to the ship that waited...I didn't fink about any of that. I did fink' ow, when it was over, this'd be better than a magic lantern show to tell to me Ma.

  I started askin' 'ow long we'd be away, after a week or so at sea. None of the kids knew, dunno why I fought they'd know, 'cept in the only gang I'd been in, noun' 'ad told Tony anyfing. I'd just tagged along, an' waited for 'em to tell me stuff. But noun' knew this time, an' the sailors 'oo brung our grub got fed up of us askin', an' 'it some kids. We was all doin' somefing for the lady, but there was the feeling down there that makes you sleep with both eyes open, an' grip yer deamon till it 'urt you.

  I fought I'd get 'ome in a bit–what I wanted was dry land, an' any dry land, 'cos I was spewin' me guts up 'alf the time, an' curled up in a corner the rest. Went on for days. Ratter would be a parrot, an' cheer me up. With nuffin' new to watch like yer get on the streets, we talked about fings that 'ad 'appened to us, an' why the 'old was 'ow it was, an' Muvver, an' the lady wiv' dark 'air. But we never talked 'bout why we were 'ere. The kids–they was all kids like me, scrawny, 'ard–eyed an' ragged–settled into 'uddles, an' talked 'bout anyfing but why we was 'ere as well. A few ovver kids didn't 'ave a 'uddle, but I didn't give 'em anyfing eivver. We 'ad blankets, an' this one kid 'ee said 'eed belt me one if didn't give 'im, an' I didn't give 'im. Then 'ee asked me were the 'eck me Pa came from, if I knew, an' I told 'im to shut 'is trap. Then 'ee asked me if me Ma knew, an' I went off the 'andle. Still got me arse kicked, an' ended up wiv'out a blanket–that was the first time I wished I was back 'ome now.

  We saw the sea, when they let us out that dark, scratchy, 'old to get some air an' stretchies. An' the sea stretched, wiv' nuffing to keep it in, shadowy, movin' unfamiliar as the moon. I talked to Ratter 'bout it for ages, but she never said much back to me 'bout stuff like that–all she did was try out bein' a seagull. One deamon was an albatross, an' 'ee made least two of me, but the sailors tol' us first time if any deamon went over the ship's rail, 'is kid was follerin' 'im. Ratter never wanted to be a fish or nuffin' so we didn't mind. We goes furvver norf, and the sea shifts less, an' as more shadows. Cold wasn't 'as bad as some winters, but that kid 'oo took me blanket gave it back. The day after that 'ee comes up ter me again–'is deamon was a black rat, 'ee 'ad teef missin' an' a nasty look about 'im.

–Hey kid. Yer wanna come ovver 'ere an see some of yer new mates?

–Mebbe. Why?

–Sitting on yer own–an' none of us knowin' what's 'appenin'–yer look like you could use some company. Yer wanna stay 'ere–

–Stayin' 'ere if I wanna.

  This kid shrugs, an' saunters back to 'is 'uddle.

–Think that'd be a gang like the last one, Tony?

–They gets everywhere, don't they? But we never got on in 'em.

–Tony, there's one over there that wants to escape the first chance they get–

–'Ow're they gonna do that?

  I 'adn't seen it till now. We'd been shut in all this time, an' we was street kids, we always 'ad an' alley to escape. Not now we didn't. We didn't know what was comin' an' we'd always conned what our lives 'ad to give us. That was the fear, an' it was all over. Ratter nibbled me finger, an' I felt a soft drip onto 'er dirty grey fur–it wasn't the roof leakin', it was me eyes.

–I jus' fink they're nuffin' but criminals/Silaria, love, it's ok/I wanna go 'ome!/Did yer con any land when yer were being sick?/You fink the Lady wiv' the monkey knows–

  Dead silence. We'd 'it land. There was fear, but we's on our toes, ready for the first chance to run. Even the kids 'oo still thought we were going some'ere cushy were gogglin' at the celin'. An' me Ratter–she was jus' 'avin' a scratch, not bothered, a liver–colour, scraggly mongrel, stickin' out among the mice an' insects that filled the 'old, all of a sudden.

  It was in one of the ware'ouses they crammed us into for the next days, I 'eard someun' talkin' 'bout the Gobblers. You couldn't 'ave thought a lady like 'er sold children to tribe of ogres in the east, or evil magicians 'oo turned boys inna pigs. Well, she 'ad seemed kinda magic–but I couldn't think it was bad, not then. The men 'oo drove us from 'ouse to 'ouse, to sit around an' moan, oo' stood on the door, an' when this Eytie kid wiv' a blue neckerchief tried to run between 'em–not sayin' what they did then–we 'ated 'em, but not 'er. An' then we 'ad these coal–silk suits, an' needed 'em, 'cos we were days more 'unched on a steam–sled, an' it were colder than anyfing. The snow was white as paint in a tin, all round us, an' we knew they're weren't walls stoppin' us, but the snow's glare was sayin' we were dead if we ran. It were new, and we didn't like it.

  An' then it were night, the snow were an 'ard kind of blue, an' the strange swellings up to the trees didn't look friendly. Not that we cared, even a few men were 'avin' a good butcher's at the lights. I fought of the windows in St Matthew's, but that was nuffin' like 'em. They shone, an' danced, in colours an' patterns I couldn't see the sense of, an' Ratter didn't know eivver, 'ow they were, why, or what they meant.

–Don't con much 'ere do we? Mebbe yer need to find out some fings.

  She scrabbles up on me shoulder to look. She was a rat with scratched nails, and 'air I could never clean, but she was my Ratter an' that meant more. Then she saw the 'eap of rooves an' tunnels under the snow–an' there was a fence, but it 'ad warm lights blazin', we was cold, an' next to the snow, an' the Norfern lights, the station seemed like sumfing we understood.


	4. Chapter3:settled, or not

Chapter 3

  Ratter's loaf shot back as we went 'froo the gates, and she gives a worried little squeak. The kids gazed up at the wire curled round the top, but we was all cold an 'ungry. None of us looked at each other, or needed drivin' to the door when the sled stops. Inside was bright lights and voices all over the place, complainin', demandin' answers, an' voices tellin' us everyfing was just plumy, an we'd be stayin' 'ere a bit, but we'd soon settle in. An' yeah, we'd see our parents soon, but we'd get good food 'ere, an' lessons–I didn't know what school in the norf pole would be like, but school back 'ome 'ad looked nice. This man in the white coat was natterin' so long about 'ow plumy fings were, I didn't notice till it was almost my turn 'ow kids were being taken, one by one, outta the room.

–Wish 'eed shut up. 'Ee isn't tellin' us anything, an' me belly thinks me throat's cut. Do you really think they dragged you all this way to give you school–lessons?

  This is a girl 'oo was on t' edge of the non–street kids 'uddle, 'oose Pa's 'ad jobs an' tried to keep their kid's 'air combed. 'Er Barnet was yellow and messy as a dandelion.

–'Ee's tellin' us that.

–An' of course we can believe 'im. Yer 'ear about the Gobblers?

–A bit.

–Right one we've got 'ere. Face long as a wet weekend, an' soooo talkative.

  I gave 'er me special 'not bovered' stare, then some fella, 'oo looked a bit familiar, couldn't fink why, never seen 'im before, takes me clothes an' shoves me in a shower, of all places! I clings to the side, an' refuses to move so 'ee 'as to shove me in. Then 'ee prods me a bit to see if I got anyfing (I'd 'ad chickenpox last month, an' I bet they'd 'ave sent me 'ome wiv' that) an' 'ee gets a nurse in ter talk me inna lettin' 'em get rid of me passengers. She did 'ave a real nice voice, an' she was so white an' clean, so I lets 'em scrub at me Barnet wiv' caustic soda, till I expects it to turn grey, an' all. I started strugglin' 'alf–way froo, but in a bit I'm being shown what a towl does, feelin' naked what wiv' at least 3 layers of dirt gone, an' tellin' Ratter 'ow daft she was for squealing froo the 'ole fing, where I never gave a peep meself. They took me clothes off–probably burnt 'em–an' gave me a new shirt, shorts, braces an' coal–silk mac.

I got me tea. There were sausages wiv' proper meat inside, an' peas! Loads of ovver kids, same ages as us on the ship, they were eatin' an' makin' a 'ell of a racket, but our lot were makin' most of the noise, askin' 'em what was goin' on. I just kept me 'ead down, filled me cake'ole, an' tried not to look at the woman dolin' the food out. 'Alfway froo me delousin', I'd remembered why that man looked familiar. An' the nurse 'ad it too.

  Sometime last year, I'd got lost lookin' for sumun' round Lime'ouse, an' foun' this man wiv' pretty fair clobbers on, lyin' in a doorway. I tries to wake 'im up, finkin' sumun's bound to rob 'i'm if they ain't already, an' 'ee must 'ave got lost, when 'is minces open, an' 'is lizard deamon rears out of 'is coat pocket.

  Lizard's noggin were swayin' like the ship's deck, an' made yer feel 'as bad. The eyes–they looked past me, an' even 'is deamon, into nuffin'–eyes turned inside out. The nurse 'ad minces like that–smack 'ead eyes.

  The man wiv' the white coat was right–I did settle in pretty sharpish. The first day it did hit me that I mightn't see me Ma for ages, and I kind of curled in on meself fer the first week. I was used to 'avin' noun' to talk to, but 'avin' to go to lessons, an' not being able to go when I wanted–that were no fun. Yer 'ad somefing to keep yer busy though, an' that were good as well as new. There was sport, an' that were awful (jus' don't like runnin' round 'ittin' balls), then there was bible stories, maffs–worse than sport–an' English, where I got as far as writin' words of four letters, an' readin' a few wiv' five, while I was there. So much for the lessons–I 'eard everyone 'ood been to school back 'ome say they preferred it there. It weren't a very 'appy place–flakin' plaster walls, a funny smell (You get a livin' smell on the streets–didn't smell like that) an' celin's that felt far too low. An' that terrible 'um, although yer got used to it–'ad to.

  We 'ad a room with posters, bean bags, an' a few books an board games, where 'bout ten of us boys were waiting fer another lesson. Four Micks 'oo came in wiv' me were playin' I–spy. Two older kids from Stratford were playin' snakes an' ladders, but draggin' it out. A kid from London, but a swankier bit of it, was curled up on the rug, threatenin' to burst into sobs any second. Two Yorkies an' this gyptian kid–didn't look 'alf as dangerous as you'd fink–were talkin', stop–start, 'bout were they'd come from, an' 'oo they were. Tony's sittin' in the corner, wonder's what's 'appenin' to 'is Ma now, stops, 'cos it 'urts too much, settles for jus' rememberin' 'er. The feelin's the bored kind you get, just before someone in a gang suggests doin' something, like knockin' an 'ouse up.

  Then 'ee comes in, the thin man wiv' goggles. Everyone's deamon gets up, a cat arches her back, a fly crawls down its human's ear. The man asks for Joe 'Arrisson. Joe's deamon clings to 'is leg. The man's deamon, some monkey wiv' big eyes, just looks. 'Ee goes, an we know we'll be lookin' for Joe 'Arrisson at tea.

  Now we feel different–we're scared, an' noun' gonna prove it by sayin' or doin' anyfing about it. The cat leaps on a beanbag, an' worries at the seam. Me an' Ratter weren't worried–'ad to be somefing other than lesson 'ere–an' when Joe didn't come back–we were 'appy, 'cos it proved that people were goin'–maybe goin' 'ome. 'Course they said we'd get killed or finally sold to the Tartars, or even that they'd kill Ratter–but kill a deamon? Come on. Some folk'll say anyfing.

  I said none of the lessons were anyfing special, but I remembers one. We were even more silent than normal, an' I was still 'omesick, an' wannin' sumun' to 'ug, yeah I did. Just feelin' I could make fings better, an' people felt 'appy–I wanted that more than connin' why we were 'ere or nuffin'. 'Course, you're probably safe when everyun' else is chipper. This nurse comes round, sayin' we can draw anyfing we like.

  This old geezer 'oo drew stuff on the pavement–an' it were darn pretty, I'll tell yer–'ee tried to teach me once. 'Ee went off sum'ere, but I could remember some fings 'bout depth an' shadin' an' that. I decided I'd draw muvver, an 'er Sillort, an' take a long time over it.

  I took a long time. Wouldn't even leave wiv' the next class comin' in, so they let me take it off an' finish it. Finally, there she was, smilin', bits of 'air 'angin' all over her shoulders an' face like they do. Sillort flutterin' all over tryin' to tuck 'em back, like 'ee does.

–Not bad, ain't it Bob?/Ain't bad? Yee must be jokin' 'ee ought ter be right pleased/Yer ought to 'ave seen what I drew then, me Dad draws–

  An' it went on. Gave me a funny feelin', till I realised sumfing 'ad 'appened that would never 'ave 'appened back 'ome. I was in the middle of fings. So I kinda stopped being 'omesick an' settled in. The nurse tol' me I was doin' well, an' I said I looked forward to art, an' she smiled. Ratter, turns to a spaniel, quivers wiv' 'appiness. 'Ow can you 'ate a place, when its given yer what nuffin' in life 'as?


	5. Chapter4:What have I got?

Chapter4

–Tony Makarios? Come with me for a minute please.

–I've got to go to Maffs now, Miss–

–Call me sister, Tony. You can miss that this time–we just need to get this done.

–Am I goin' 'ome now?

–No, not yet I'm afraid, but quite soon now.

–Yer not gonna take me away, are yer, Miss?

  She says no, but she doesn't look round. The sister wiv' the soft voice, an' those eyes, an' 'er deamon jus' trottin' along–like a normal dog, oh, I gets a 'orrible feelin' in me belly when I finks it–she leads us inna a place wiv' seats all round it, an' boxes an' balls glitterin' wiv' strange light, like I didn't know nuffin' about. Ratter leaps inna me arms, an' presses 'er muzzle to me face. There were men all roun' the room, feelin' different from in the main station. I was in the middle, they were lookin' at me.

–What forms does your deamon take?/How long does it normally retain one form?/How often do you talk with each other?/Do you disagree often–/Come on, it's a perfectly reasonable question, boy/Look, I'm not sure this is getting anywhere, let's try something else/ stop snivelling now and hold this–

  It weren't reasonable, fings like that. You jus' don't ask 'em! When they started getting' me to 'old the balls, an' get shocked, I did it all straight off. Ratter licks me face, an' tells me it's alright, till they said the ball wouldn't do sumfing unless she got off me. I got a very bad feelin' then, 'cos I wanted to find out about fings, but they did too, an' I needed to know what fings, an' what was there to find out about me?

  The next time I was in there, one man did somefing funny wiv' 'is 'ands, an' I–I sort of drifted off for a minute, an' they said I could go the moment I came out of it. I was scared, 'cos I'd lost 'alf an 'our, like Rip Van Finklestein.

–Don't let the time surprise you, it was just necessary–

–What 'appened? What did yer do to me? (No'un answers)–Why are yer doin' this to us? What do you want?

–Right now we want you to go–your lesson still has half–an–hour left.

  I think me face sort of snapped shut, an' I walked out, wiv' Ratter clingin' to me shirt. I could deal plenty alright wiv' people 'oo didn't give a monkey's 'bout me–but why were they doin' all this if I didn't matter to 'em some'ow? What would they do, if I didn't matter? The Lady cared 'bout us–said we were 'ere for somefing important–but even she didn't say what it was.

–An' if it's sumfing nice, why don't they say? Tony?

–Please Ratter, don't fink of anyfing else like that.

  Like Ratter said, I need to sound fings out, so I start askin' people what the men did to 'em, an' what they fink it's in aid of. When someone said sumun' else 'ad 'eard 'em talkin', I was excited, but all 'ee 'eard was somefing 'bout measurin'. People talked 'bout cuts, but sumun' else said that was just anovver Gobbler story. A good lot of these kids were even more worried than me, an' said so;

–Thinkin' 'bout Mum's the worst part. An' what she thinks of me–I'm sure they never got those letters, an' don't know we're here. We've been kidnapped, but not for money, or hostages or work–I just can't guess–

–Yeah. No'un else eivver. I miss me Ma too.

–Oh yeah, last time I saw 'er she was–

  We ended up talkin' fer ages–well this boy talked for ages an' I jus' listened–took a 'ole breaktime. A few days later, sum'un else says they wonder what their friends are up to, an' tells me 'bout 'em, then I realises I've hit on a good thing, an' starts askin' people stuff. If 'ere was anywhere to spend it, I could almost 'ave charged 'em–I listened an' they talked, an' they felt better, without me doin' a blessed fing. There were even one girl oo' tol' me at breakfast 'bout 'er friend 'ood disappeared, an' 'ow she'd been up all night over it, till the dandelion girl asks why on earf she's talkin' to me, an' she turns back, lookin' embarrassed.

–Hey, you were talking' to 'er a bit!

  Someone leers at me, an' I give 'im the 'not bovvered' stare as well, seein' as I'm not that sure what 'ees on about. They were all boys, the few kids 'oo asked me to join in playin' a board game, or even asked where I came from meself–but I remembers the edge to 'er voice, an' the shape of 'er nails–I dunno. I forget mos' of the stuff people tol' me 'cept this one kid from Oxford 'oo tol' me 'bout 'ow 'im an' this ovver boy 'ad found out a space you could crawl about in above the ceiling'–'ee said I shouldn't tell no'un, but we might be able to 'ide up there.

–Just wish Lyra could 'ave been there, she make everything twice as exciting as usual, an' she could get us out if she wanted–

–Come on, 'ow could a girl do that?

–By magic, we thought sometimes. Things just fold up round her however she wants.

–Well it's a shame she ain't 'ere then isn't it?

  Sumun' else shouts this, an' Roger eventually gets in a fight wiv' 'im. I fink I'd stopped expectin' to get out of the station, so this Lyra, an' the space above the ceiling'–they didn't seem like they'd ever mean much. Roger an' this over kid are still goin' on;

–Yer just as scared as t' rest of us, Oxford, bet you ain't even tried askin' what we're 'ere for.

–I have too, an' yerself?

–Pickin' me time.

–Next time someone disappears, you ask 'em where too.

–Reckon yer could do that Bill (An' this is the kid 'oose deamon was a Rat, an' 'oo asked the lady what we was 'ere for. 'Ee an' Bill were mates).

  Roger an' Bill shake 'ands, an' tell me 'im a witness, an' I've got say this 'appened if anyone asked. No'un asked me to do that before.

  I was tryin' to draw sumfing like the seaside picture they 'ad in the lunch 'all, but I jus' couldn't get it. I were in lunch, an' looked round at the kids chatterin' an' laughin', a little bit shrill, the livin'ness of their broken teef, dirty 'ands an' circlin' eyes. Their deamons were scramblin' everywhere makin' a load more noise. After the silent room wiv' the lights an' balls, it were good as a tonic. I looked all round the lunch 'all, an nudged the boy next ter me;

–Ask that girl there sumfing for me, mate.

–Ask 'er yersel'.

–Yer closer than me, cumon.

–I said ask 'er yersel', or she'll think'ee nervous or sumat.

  Pretendin' I couldn't 'ear noun' laughin', I taps this girl on the ovver table's shoulder. She flinches like a skittish 'orse.

–Sorry, but 'ave yer seen the girl 'oo was talkin' to me on–

–Tuesday? (gives me a funny look, an' wipes 'er shoulder). Bridget, you're in Mary's class have you seen her this morning? Her boyfriend's wondering if she went anywhere.

  I waits for the gigglin', but–dead silence, like this girl's sworn at a funeral. Bridget, the girl with the messy blonde Barnet, gives 'er a look of 'urt an' anger I'd never like to be on the wrong end of meself;

–She's gone somewhere alright, Violet Stanton.

  She turns the look on me. An' looks away into 'er pancakes, an' I don't find out till later I looked like a kicked spaniel, 'cos this girl was gone, an' Bridget was 'er friend.

  I looks round the 'all again. I could see deamons 'oo were sleek, mangy, quick, 'ulkin', scratchin' an' stuff, or talkin' close to their kids–I didn't know the kids, didn't know where they were goin'. No more than a man 'oo walked by me, back 'ome, an' passed wiv'out a look. All these kids, rich 'uns an' poor 'uns, from all over, scared or still rememberin' the Lady–they could all go off, leavin' nuffin' but a picture in me mind an' whatever they'd told me, whatever I 'adn't forgot.

–Rat, I wanna do sumfing. Really.

–Not sumfing we know much about is it?

–What did we do or find out back 'ome? But we need to find stuff out 'ere, its different.

–Remember 'ow they wanted a witness–

  Ratter says this confused, but I gets me idea then. I turns the piece of paper I got under the table over, an' I start drawin', a curved line, slow enough to almost 'urt.

–Don't much good to me, Tony–

–Ain't a Mona Lisa, but stop puttin' it down, best I can do–

–Yer've jus' done 'alf a face, an' that line there looks funny–

  I stops listenin' to me deamon, 'cos I need to fink out 'ow to make this good.


	6. Chapter5: A different place

Chapter 5

  Days went by, like they did there, and no one me or Bill knew disappeared for a bit. The days went by slower back 'ome, but things 'appened because they 'appened. The weeks were longer in the station, an' it 'appened because it was made 'appen. Both places I was mainly lookin' at people doin' there own fings, but back 'ome it were open, and big, like selllin' stuff, playin', talkin', an' gettin' whammed. 'Ere it were small and private, like washin' faces, noshin', stackin' eating stuff up an' foldin' sheets, everyun' seemed busy wiv' stuff that wasn't really important. They were so worried about bein' clean, an' washin' ourselves an' our stuff, as if dirt were sumfing dangerous–some kid even said the measurin' were about dust, but that just sounds daft–best way to keep things clean would be not lettin' kids in, 'specially street kids, like most of us were.

  They gave us fings to do, but they got samey an' stopped being excitin' after a bit, an' they didn't give us any new fings. I'd generally 'ad nuffin' to do back 'ome, but we 'ad to do stuff, like addin' an spellin' an' dronin' church songs, that didn't mean much–an' the less they meant the more I drew, 'cos we did stuff we would never 'ave done back 'ome, to remind ourselves we could do what we liked, when we couldn't really. An' we 'ad one fing to fink about, though we tried to forget it–the silent room wiv' the lights, an' the men busily writtin' stuff we couldn't see, or 'ave read if we could, most probably–but they knew, an' that was what were important.

  I got confused, one time 'bout drawin', an' thinkin' 'bout people, an' thought maybe it were because of me age, 'an this should be 'appenin'. I asked 'ow many days in a year, an' tried countin' all the days I could remember–mostly the ones were summing 'appened. Bill an' Norman, the boy wiv' the rat deamon, see what I'm doin';

–Yer'll never get anyfing that way. Only one way of tellin' 'ow old yer are–

  Norman, glances at Bill, 'cos 'ee wants sumun' else to mention me muvver.

–Aye, whadud yer Ma tell yer? ('Ee lived on a farm near Sheffield, can't 'ave know about stuff like this).

–Hmmm? (I don't get angry too easy, but Norman could do it wiv' jus' that–Ratter's cat eyes flash like gun–muzzles) Oh, I'd say yer were ten or summing–got two years on yer meself.

–'Course lookin' scrawny as 'ee does–

–I came wiv' 'im from London, remember? Used to kids lookin' like that.

  The two of 'em went off–I mean they went over the ovver side of the room. They tried pretendin' it were the same as walkin' off back 'ome, but when yer tried yer remembered yer couldn't leave when yer wanted. 'Ceptin' that little Indian kid 'oo gazed at the ceilin' all day, an' didn't say nuffin' when yer talked to 'im. 'Ee was the third person I drew, an' Ratter didn't rag at it as much as the ovvers. I fought I might 'ave got away like 'ee did, at the beginnin', but not since I first talks to the same person twice, regardless of their bein' nuffin' new to talk about.

  There was one day I remember, an' a maffs class I tries not to. I remembers 'earin' Norman and Bill 'avin' a chinwag at lunch;

–You know they said back 'ome the Gobblers turned kids into Pigs? Ain't yer glad was jus' a story?

–Yer 'ad pigs back 'ome didn't yer? (Bill nods) You fink of 'em all lined up at a swill trough, 'eads down/Shit, eyes away from the fence–/gottit, mate.

–Yer could be right, but doin' sumat–

–Like I tol' yer, we need to pick a time. Lots more of us, jus' no–

–Jus' yer shuttup there (Says this Manchester street kid wiv' black'eads an' rotten teef). Probably a dozen kids 'ere who'd be dead right now back 'ome. We dreamed of 'avin' beds, 3 square meals a day, an' good toggs–like you lot 'ad anyway (Scowls at the small London kid across the table, 'oo trembles all over). All they do is little tests an' stuff that don't even 'urt, it's a gift 'orse.

  A 'uge argument only ends when Bill gets taken off. I knew what I fought–it all felt wrong, the sheets that stopped bein' white as I looked at 'em, the clean passages wiv' no wind, the way the food an' sheets 'appeared, wiv' out yer doin' anyfing–it weren't just not what I was used to. There ain't no such thing as a gift 'orse, an there was an awful feelin' that the men an' nurses 'ad a right over us now–we'd been domy–stick–'ated, like Bill would 'ave said.

  Maffs class comes, an' Bill ain't back–the record for being called away was an 'our, an' this was that day's last lesson. The man at the front, wiv' a moth deamon, 'ee were just about to finish. Sitting across the class, Roger made a face at Norman–'get on wiv' it'–kind of mug. I 'as a butchers at Norman–but 'is mug were locked, 'ee mutters;

–Betya Bill's wishin' 'ee were 'ere to ask 'em–'eed do it wiv'out finkin'.

–You finkin' when the right time's gonna be?

  I promise yer, I wasn't bein' sarky, but I said it. Norman nods fast. Walks up the class, mug still locked. The man's gonna jus push past, but Norman gets 'im in the pin, 'is dukes shoot out. The man staggers back. Silence. Sumun' whistles, an' withers up under Norman's glare–this ain't a show. The man smiles, lookin' past Norman;

–Do get out my way, and don't be childish.

–Shuddup an' say what yer got us all 'ere for.

–We're conducting important studies–(Tries to push past again, but Norman's dead good at this, the man still ain't realised it, an' ain't no good 'imself anyway)

–Where do they go, the kids that disappear? Tell us, or all the kids 'ere an' everyone ('Ee starts shoutin') out there in the corridor's gonna know yer won't tell us, 'cos it's summin' bad.

–Ah, Sister Clara (Still lookin' past Norman), if you would tell this boy here–

–Say it yerself, an' say just what 'appens!

–I'll have to ask about whether you're ready–

–Yer not tellin' us because yer want to mate, it's because I'm tellin' yer to tell us (I 'as a quick butchers at Roger an' 'is eyes were tight shut)!

–And, faced with the regretful denial I can tell you anything at all, what will you do then?

  The man tries pushin' past 'im in earnest this time, an' Norman 'its 'im, struggles, 'is feet slide, then 'ee hooks the man's arm, an' 'is papers go all over. Norman stoops, grabs one. Oh shit, 'ee was on a roll. I were amazed that 'ee would do it, of all people, but 'eed forgot 'imself–'is eyes said they'd be crazy not to take 'im seriously, an' I think the man believed it.

–Remember that kid 'oo said 'eed 'eard screamin'? They took 'im–

–Ratter, (I 'isses) shuttup, now!

  Seemed like some time it stayed like that. Norman jus' stares at the man, the man stares past Norman. Us kids, an', I expect, the kids in the corridor jus' stares. I wants to run, but yer couldn't–an' we wouldn't 'ave, 'cos when yer get a fightin' feel in the air, boys like me run, but there weren't that feel. It weren't a stalemate, it were summon pinned a'fore a cab that's jus' shootin' roun' the corner. It 'appens, an' everybody watches.

–Yes, Sister Clara would you deal with this. If the boy want to see–

–Yeah, 'ee needs 'er (Ohshitohshitohshit–).

–What?

–Needs a Nurse or sumat I mean.

  Sister Clara, 'oo's jus' come in, looks puzzled, the man raises an' eyebrow, an' Roger, bless 'im, sniggers–a few ovvers follow on. Backed into a corner on 'is 'aunches, Norman looked–I really don't wanna fink about it. Me 'ead was goin' like I–dunno–what, 'ard to fink of that as well.

–Yeah, Mi–Sister, 'ee's 'ad fits like this an' what wiv' Bill goin'/Home an' all, they were friends see–(Roger again). /'Ee don't mean any of it, scares us too sumtimes (A bit more laughter)/He were thrashin' all over the place last night, saying crazy things–

–Shuddup! (We shuddup.) If you 'aven't taken that back before–

  Tough as triple-strength nails, mad as a Grizzly on Acid–Ratter shrank away from 'is Pit Bull Terrier. Summin' went clunk in me 'ead, an' everyfing switched off except me mouf;

–It don't impress any of us mate.

  Even the man laughed, an' I didn't 'ave a clue what was 'appenin, but the animal blood was drainin' out of Norman's skull, an' the normal kid comin' back, 'as the man started maybe finkin' 'eed been daft to ever take this seriously. Norman let the Sister take 'im off, still lookin' mad, an' the man picked up is papers an' went. We all went an' forgot it ever 'appened. Norman got talked to, an' 'ee did come back that very evenin', jus' 'as I goes out the room for a pee–

–Owwwohhherrrr–

–I tells yer, listen to 'im, now 'old still. Good grief yer a lovely sight–face like a load of rotten apples.

–Jus' don't touch me nose again, sounded 'orrible–

–Yeah, right. 'Ere I am, cleanin' yer up after the bashin' of yer life, even thinkin' up imagery for yer–

–Know which one I prefer. An' that one's ancient yer said when we come in, 'bout yer belly an' that.

–'Aven't yer 'ad nuffin' to fink of since then?

  Bridget gives me a funny look, but maybe not a nasty 'un–she'd been sent down to find out what the noise was, an' found Tony, wiv' Ratter 'oppin' round 'im whimperin'. That Norman, 'ee could 'ave eaten 'is way frough a fence, if 'ee were mad at the fence, an' not wiv' me.

–I can guess why this 'appened, in case yer wonderin'–Susan was comin' out of a lesson opposite, tol' everyone 'oo didn't know. Yer know Norman wanted Bill Sutton to do the same fing in front of everyone? First time in 'is life 'ee showed a bit of courage 'imself, if I read 'im right–an' then you go an make 'im look a pillock. (I grunts) Oh well, if yer'd kept buttoned they'd 'ave disappeared 'im, so yer saved 'is life if that 'elps.

–Yer fink they're gonna kill us?

–Ain't gonna be nuffin' good. The idiot–if we made a song about wantin' to know they'd just wait till we ran out of words. What do you fink then?

–Dunno. No'un does. Seein' as all the tests are about deamons, maybe they do sumfing really bad to 'em–(Our deamons start squeallin' an' we 'ave to 'ug them to quiet 'em down)

–'Ush, Dru, I won't let 'em do nuffin' to yer/What are you going to do about it then? (Her deamon said it out loud, gave us both a start. We were quiet a bit).

–Yer don't need to do nuffin', Bridget.

–An' why?

–I won't let 'em 'urt you, or your deamon, if they–

  Oh, there were some daft fings said that day, but I took the biscuit there. Nievver of us took it serious–but I don't know if Bridget knew I didn't, 'cos 'er eyes were wet, glittered like cracked glass–like blue aurora sparkles. She kept lookin' at me, an' I looked up from the sink wiv' the blood in it. She took 'er 'and off me shoulder, an' I wanted it back, an' I couldn't stop lookin'. 'Cos this was a fairytale of deadly mysteries, an' Bridget seemed sum'ow more dangerous than anyfing, an' a mystery that drew you in, like the ones that matter do.


	7. Chapter6:the devil and deep blue eyes

Chapter 6

  I saw the Lady–Mrs Coulteragain. We were in the little chapel they 'ad, like every Sunday, better than maffs at least. The nurse was readin' the last prayer, when a whisper ran round than a Zeppelin was comin' down–I wished I could walk roun' to the window, ain't ever seen one close up. We got told to be quiet, but the buzzin' were like angry bees when we come out; an they all hated her! Said she knew about kids being killed, she 'and't sent no letters to our families, people always vanished when she came, an' she scared them 'cos she could make 'em all do anyfing. It was 'em that scared me. There were so many bad real things since I saw my Ma, an' if the one nice fing weren't real–no more than them sayin' "Never despise one of these little ones' in the chapel, an' meanin' it–I'd have to stop finkin', an' tryin' to work fings out, 'cos it would be too bad. We saw 'er once or twice more before she went, the second time this tubby kid went up to 'er, an' tried to tell 'er 'bout people disappearin' an' that;

–'Cos I know you wouldn't have let it happen if you knew

–That the staff here is providing you with food, clothes and education? If you want me to stop that I certainly can.

  She looked like she fought nothin' of 'im, an' this kid couldn't bear it, 'ee jus' folded up an sobbed. Mrs Coulter walked out. People really did disappear more when she was there. An' Norman was one of 'em.

*     *     *

–He beat you up, didn't 'ee?

–Yeah. Daft of me to feel sorry (But I did). 'Course I aven't really saved 'is life now.

–Well, I could stow away on the zeppelin while you make a distraction, or you could steal summing from the men to cut through the fence, or

  That was Bridget. I asked 'er about 'er family at break, she said 'ow 'er Pa was a sailor an' 'er Muvver sold groceries. She liked netball an' maffs (No accountin' for taste), an' she 'ad a few friends at school she fought would worry about 'er. She told me all about 'em, only break was over so she said she'd tell me the rest in the boiler room, that evening. To start wiv' it was just 'er talkin', like the ovvers, but she asked me about fings, an' I started tellin' 'er, 'bout me Ma, an' the gang I'd been in, an' fings I'd seen. She even made me wonder what I 'ad really fought, times like when I saw sumun' bein' knifed or when I woke up in the night, an' saw me Ma, an' this man, 'alf stranglin' each ovver, an' makin' those noises–I didn't tell Bridget about that.

–What's up wiv' you then, Rat? Gone all quiet.

–Even if I don't know fings, shouldn't I be able to tell yer 'bout feelin's?

  She were a spaniel when I talked to Bridget, an' 'er deamon was a swallow mos' of the time. We 'ardly ever looked, but when I did they were still 'idin' their faces, like they were too nervous to go any closer.

  We talked 'bout what they'd do to us as wellI'd asked some ovver kids, an' thought they really might kill Ratter, but Bridget 'ad 'eard so many stories she wasn't "Committing", though she'd found out they took the older children first, an' it were summin' to do wiv' cuttin'. She liked workin' out people an' situations even more than maffs, she said I was;

–Soft 'arted, don't think too much 'bout things, or think you can change 'em. Yer a loner, but yer don't like it deep down, an' yer just live for the now.

–Don't sound any good. Wish I could say summin' like that about you. Well, next best fing

–What?

–Bad description, bad drawin' (Yeah, I did one of 'er, an' it were Ok). Hey, be quiet, summun'll 'ear us (She sorta squealed, an' it were kinda nice, though I were't lettin' on)!

  We just wanted sumun' to be worried wiv' about fings–we were lost kids, an' she were scared about the station too.

–And that they're gonna kill us, an' no one'll ever know–or take us somewhere else where the experiments are really horrible

–Killin' our deamons would be worst–yer can die anytime back 'ome, but I dunno if they'd do anyfing that bad

–We're only kids, but that don't matter to them. People don't die as often back 'ome.

–Don't yer believe it. (I stops) There was a 'ouse on our street three kids broke in for a joke, an' ran straight out. I went in, an' there were tenin this roomall of 'emthey'and't got no food an' they'd

  Bridget tried cheerin' fings up by tellin' 'ow summun' fought the kids 'oo made trouble an' complained got taken firstI said we'd probably last months on that score, an' if I didn't know if that were good or bad, Bridget was 'appy. That made Ratter turn from a Spaniel to a cat. An' Bridget looked like summin' 'ad just 'it 'er–she looked worried again.

  An' she asked after me parents, an' I 'adn't got 'alfway through, when she looked too down for me to go on. 'Er deamon was a crow, an' 'er minces were sharp wiv' grief. 'Cos she was sorry for me, an' I could feel 'ow smooth 'er fingers were, an me Ma never did things like that, or made me feel what Bridget did. 'Er eyes did 'ave a powerful mystery an' fings 'appened inside me when she smiled, only I never felt safer when I was wiv' 'er, an' I bet this all sounds daft when I say it.

  I 'ad a bedside cabinet–one of the good fings about the station, though sleepin' in a bed felt weird. I 'ad all the drawin's I'd done in there, an' some worn out pencils. There were Norman, Roger, the Indian kid, that girl Mary, an' the lunch 'all. There were the plates we 'ad to stand on, an' tubes we 'ad to touch, that I got out sometimes an' tried to work out what they were for. There were me Ma, Bridget (Wiv'out thinkin', I feels the sheet, 'ow strange it was, 'ow soft) an' a few pictures I did of Ratter, as a dog, a sparrow, a Rat.

–Jus' those shapes were ok for us, huh Tony? Tony? What yer finkin' 'bout?

–Fings. (Ratter sticks out 'er whiskers indignantly, an' looks away) Aw, yer can tell what I'm finkin' can't yer?

–Jus' want yer to tell me more. If yer told me as much as Bridget–

–Ratter, yer know yer me deamon! 'Spose when they take us away, I'm not gonna see 'er again, but you'll be wiv' me.

–Yer don't fink it's gonna be good? (No) Yer don't fink we'll be goin' 'ome ever? (No), Yer fink we'll see Ma ever again?

–We'll see 'er again (comes out far too shrill). An' we'll see Bridget tomorrow, an' you can jus' look at Drusilion, an'

–They won't take us away Tony. There's all the ovvers–

  We couldn't talk 'bout it no more, 'cos the only way we could stop bein' afraid was not finkin'. I dreamt that night, 'bout me movver an' Bridget appearin' an' vanishin', an' I called 'em, an' I was drawin' the shapes that were them, but the paper stayed blank, I didn't leave a mark. Then I looked down at Ratter–an' woke up, she were where she'd gone to sleep in me arms, but I'd seen 'er CUT, in a way I couldn't remember, an' she licked the dirt off me face, an' said it were jus' a dream.


	8. Chapter7:The blade in the apple

Chapter7

  Can't actually remember me last mornin' at the station clear as crystal, 'cos it really was a mornin' like any other. Roger told me about Oxford, and 'ow the cellars seemed spookier than this sometimes, 'cos they were big an' shadowy, an' weren't open evvier–I could 'ardly remember seein' the sun, I'd been there that long. Played Ball in the sports place–stayed in the crowd, but far from the ball as I could, an' lobbed it to sumun' else whenever I 'ad itweren't any good at all. Then there was break an' I tried drawin' the Norf'ern lights, sitting in a corner, well as I could remember 'em. I felt, erm, concentrated when I drew, an' formin' important fings were kind of understandin' 'em, an' keepin' 'em in me mind. I was makin' summin', an' Ratter sat on me shoulder, lookin'. That's it.

  The bell rings, I folds the picture up in me pocket to finish later, an' I amble off to next lesson. Only I see Bridget lookin' worried 'bout summin', an' I forget the way, so I can ask what's buggin' 'er.

–It's Tuesday, so the linen room should be empty. We'll go there for me to tell yer.

  I'm say they'll miss us in the lesson, Bridget says she don't give a tinker's damn about the lessons, an' none of staff do really evvier. So we wait till Ratter says there's no'un about, then dive inna the drifts of 'angin' sheets, an' crouch under one, like in'juns. Ratter goes through an 'ole in the wall, to watch the corridor outside.

–Drusilion (Bridget eventually gets roun' to sayin') said he preferred bein' a squirrel, an' 'ee was a squirrel for the 'ole of yesterday.

–Yer mean 'ee might fix (Goggle-eyed awe)?

–No'uns deamon's fixed 'ere, the older kids get taken away more

–Mebbe they need 'em for work (I gets a 'don't be stupid' look) alright, but 'ees startin' fixin'yer can't let this place spoil it.

– (Smilin', an' scratchin' Drusilion's cat ears) One of the only good fings about this placewe're 'earded like animals, sure, but animals don't 'ave deamons, an' 'ere yer gotta get on well an' support each other.

–Yer meet friends as well. Only they get vani-(Bridget's 'and comes off mine, an' roun' the side of me ear'ole) Sorry! Bloody daft of me.

–Just whisper. Daft of us doin' this at all. Wouldya keep on doin' this if they'd take us away when we got found?

–Gonna vanish us anyway. An' I ain't done nuffin' like this before, an' I need it in this place

–When yer come in yer looked like yer didn't need anyone. Yer still look much less scared than I feel.

–Only 'cos I'm too dozy to be scared–you can be afraid, an' still 'appy an' finkin' an'what's it like, growin' up?

–I dunno, yer don't see fings as simple, an' yer want to do fings–guess everyun' wants to do summing new 'ere. What do you wanna do Tony?

  Ratter's eye's were bright an' 'er cat tail strokin' the air–this were summin' she 'ad to see. The eyes full of stings closed, 'er air were like autumn leaves on me shoulders. 'Er arms were all over me, an' I pressed me face to cheeks rich as apples–

–Tony?

  If Ratter were in 'ere, 'oo was watchin' outside for anyun' comin'?

  We jerked, like summin' were pullin' us apart, but me an' Bridget stayed locked together. My 'ands dug in 'er back, an' 'er knees trembled. 'Er Drusilion pressed against 'er, gone from a lark to a ferret, softly whimperin'.

–Come out, Tony, I need to talk to you, please. We're not angry, but you shouldn't be hiding in places (Silence) Are you drawing something? You can finish it later, I promise.

  I looks at Bridget'er eyes were like the sea in a storm, an' full of wretchedness–the Sister didn't know she was 'ere, so she could stay, while I went. I think she might 'ave made a noise, but I moved back, an' gripped 'er shoulder. I tried to say without speakin';

–It's OK, I'm not afraid (yet), an' I don't want 'em takin' you. I'm lucky, 'cos when people get taken off no'un looks at 'em. I've got you to see me go, at least.

–Come on Tony, I know you're there. There you are, good, now come on, we won't hurt you.

  'Er white dog gazed at me, stock still, like when they'd done regular experiments on me only the ovver day. Ratter pawed at me shirt, an' whispered sorrow an' comforts till 'er words melted together, with her so frightened she might 'ave melted inna me chest, 'less it meant she couldn't see me face, an' feel the flesh Bridget 'ad made me wash clean.

–We're just going to put you to sleep for a minute, do a little operation, and wake you up. It'll be over before you know it, and won't hurt a little bit. Ratter? Oh, your deamon will go to sleep and wake up just the same. (Soft, an' no warmth at allbad voice) Of course not, it's just a little

–Yer lyin'! Everyun' knows you kill deamons, yer not gonna kill me Ratter (I didn't keep me voice steady, but it were murder not to burst out wiv' it an' scream).

–I can't imagine who put this silly idea

–I'm not goin' wiv' yer, I don't believe it, yer not killin' 'er(I tol' yer it were murder stoppin' it. Couldn't look at Bridget, Muvver was miles away; there was jus' Ratter, 'oo was always there.)

–It's just a little cut. It won't even hurt, but we put you to sleep to make sure. It's very important

–Why, then, what's so important (What are we 'ere for? Tell me, 'cos I'm askin'…)?

–It's just something to make you more grown up. Yes, something everyone has, to fix their deamon at the one, proper, grown up shape for each one of us. Your Ratter would like that, wouldn't she? Everyone feels nervous about it, so you needn't worry.

  Growin' up…I stared right ahead, mugged by confusion. Did everyun' go to a station to get their deamon's fixed? Did that Lady 'oo looked so beautiful, an' the nurse wiv' the soft voice really wish us nuffin' but good? They'd given us stuff, though they didn't care for us–but why shouldn't it be summin' good 'ere? An' growin' up–it would be new an' strange, but Bridget were growin' up too. An' grownups could do fings, an' understand 'em, an' weren't afraidI never found out 'ow yer deamon fixed. The nurse led me out while I was finkin'.

  Nearly the last time I fought of Bridget was 'alfway there, when I found the loop'ole. Yer feelin's change when yer get older right? Feelin's 'bout girls an' stuff yer do wiv' 'em I couldn't imagine doin' wiv' Bridget, like me Ma did? I'd changed slowly, all my time at the station. I dunno about this, but when I 'ad this cut, would it 'appen in a flash? Didn't believe it, didn't want it. It were that, an' that white dog 'oo gave me a very bad feelin'.

  The walls were too smoof, but I waits till we pass a door, an' stops.

–Come on Tony. You want to be a grown up don't you?

–(After sullen silence) Settle for never growin' up if I 'ave to.

–But we all grow up, remember. I know about it, because I had–

–Not listenin' anyway.

  Grownups 'alf killed 'emselves wiv' drink, beat up little kids, stole, bumped folk off kidnapped 'em, an' 'oo knows what else. She looked at yer wrong for a good'un, an' I'd met more good kids than grownups. There was Ratter, a weasel, snarlin' round me pins. Like the time me mum cut 'er wrist on a broken glass, an' we stayed up wiv' 'er all night–there were no'un to 'elp, jus' us, the way it 'ad always been.

  I grabbed 'old of the door of course, but she worked me 'ands off–I clawed at 'em, an' kicked at 'er legs, but couldn't knock 'er over, or 'urt 'er at all, it seemed like. She dragged me away, I was punchin' an' bitin', but it were as much use as 'ittin' the wall. Ratter worried the dogs belly to pieces wiv' 'is teef, but it didn't even turn its loaf. She 'aulled me on, me toes slidin' ovver the tiles like summin' outa a nightmare. But I shut it out, an' kept on punchin' till me knuckles were wet, an' stingin', then kept on. Ratter got wild the same, flappin' and screechin'she was a sort of 'awk wiv' a grey loaf. The nurse–she can't 'ave been normal to do it–walked on unstoppably, through a 'uge door that 'issed open like a snake's jaws. Shut in a way that said no child could move it.

  The little coloured lights were everywhere–an' men movin' towards me like ghosts, in their white coats. Ratter felt me 'eart goin', an' the lance of panic down me spine. She started towards me, but the men grabbed 'er an' tied 'er down. They did it to me, an' turned inside out wiv' a new 'eap of dirt in me, I couldn't stop 'em–they'd touched me deamon! They ''ad! I was shakin' with 'orror, an' longin', both for Ratter, but it was their seemin' machines that stripped off yer 'uman parts like that. Me minces an' Ratter's minces could've been tied by the tightest wire. We'd been so close we'd forgot we were two–now all I fought was 'er, an' the thing I couldn't dream of between us.

–Why yer doin' this? (Croaked)

–You will become very ill, quite soon, very possibly are ill already. (Lookin' at 'is sharp fing full of summin' amber). We must cure you, however hard it is for us.

The room 'ummed, an' me arm jerked up as the needle went in. No matter 'ow I was, Ratter was watchin' me, an' 'er eyes said 'er love. Would 'ave been a moment forever, should 'ave been–but behind 'er eyes, there was the new fear.


	9. Chapter8:One who was left

Chapter 8–(Bridget's POV)

–Bridget McGinn?

  Everything stopped. Clunk. Then me 'art came back, beating double time to make up. It were a conscious effort just to stand an' speak.

–Yes, sir?

–Finish your drink and come with Sister Clara.

  Maybe if I faint, they won't take me just yet. Or they'll still be standin' there, lookin' an' waiting–the ovver kids were movin' off, lookin' away, leavin' me. One girl who just came in looked, but the rest wouldn't even remember what I'd told 'em in five minutes. Dru was clung to me, 'is 'art racin', tied to mine.

–What's gonna 'appen to us, Bridget?

–Dunno, but Tony never came back from it. Dru, don't be scared; 'ow could they do anyfing to you? You're my soul–

–I'm with you, no matter what 'appens. That's all I need–

  But he'd feel what they'd do to me, I didn't want that.  Or was there something they'd do to 'im, something we couldn't imagine? Dru, what could we do for each other, or anyone? His black eyes flickered, then looked down at the brown mess in a empty mug. A terrible picture, that would never be drawn.

  Yer think Tony's gonna save me now? So awful, killed and plucked from anonymity by senseless chance–that was 'is world. Yer couldn't but feel for 'im when he opened up, an' leave fear, 'cos 'ee couldn't think of it. Now 'ee was gone, could be still live an' growin', dead, or on the way there–I was alone wiv' fear, an' the silent, immovable nurse walkin' behind me. We passed a door–there was a window in it, an' it lead outside, but it were always locked. Me mind thrashed round like a bird in a jar, wiv' the air drainin' out.

–Couldn't we run?

–Dru, where would we go? There's snow all round, an' she's gonna–

  Dru leapt out me arms an' scuttled off, I saw he was gonna run, an' took off while 'is tail still touched me arms. The nurse snatched me wrist, 'eld bitin' tight, reached for me mouth. Me back was to the locked door, I swung round 'er ovver side but didn't break free, couldn't 'ave. Looked for Dru, he was a alleycat, bitin' an' twistin', I filled me lungs–

  Five minutes later, everything's dark. I think the men are gonna come soon, an' I want to say to Dru he was wonderful, but I can't. I'm curled round him, chin on his head, something sharp digging in my back.

  Even if I ain't free, I got one over 'em. Dad would've laughed out loud, an' 'ugged me–I miss his smell, an' the feel of his beard, an' Mum's voice orderin' me round the shop.

  At some point the thought wandered through me mind what Mum Dad, or any of me friends (mainly I played netball wiv' 'em, wish I'd gone roun' to more of their 'ouses an' talked to their other friends–if only I got back I'd watch less and talk more!) would say if I introduced 'em to Tony. Well, would I 'ave given that kid who nicked a cabbage of us last month the time of day? Only he probably wouldn't 'ave given what Tony 'ad–what might've saved me life.

  At the time it was nuffin' less than miraculous–years later I met the only girl who'd seen my fear as I went. We both assume yer could only get a shifti at me 'air, through the frosted window. The nurse's was twistin' me roun' by me arm, 'er other 'and was comin' over me cake'ole. The dog looked me calmly in the eye, Dru looked 'orrorstruck–round at the door–a clickin' lock–an' a blast of cold air an' snow fills the corridor like floodwater.

  If I got out the open door, I'd escape and die–no use to 'em then. Anywhere in the station, 'owever, I was a bird in the 'and. The nurse didn't seem like she could concentrate on two fings eivver–Tony told me 'ee fought they were on drugs. 'Er grip loosened;

–RUN!

  We were away like whippets off a shovel. But where? Could I run in a class and–tell everybody what? Just scream? All the staff would be after me. A man came up the corridor, I dived into a passage, nearly in tears. I saw the man walk the ovver way sharpish–he wanted to 'ead me off from the front gates. I stopped a second, but the nurse was behind me–the boy's dorm was up those stairs–where did the ovver way go?. The fast clickin' of shoes was in my ears, Dru turned from a grey'ound to a moth–

  There were dark things like bars all round me constrictin'. I 'ad awful cramp too, an' the men 'and't come yet, but they must next minute. Or I'd 'ave to give meself up from 'unger–but maybe they'd make me like the nurses. Or do summing to Dru. Eventually I fell asleep. My last thought was when me an' Tony 'ad talked, an' he'd told me all the things street kids do to get meals, stay alive, an' stay amused, dark eyes wide from realisin' he could do it–tell me someun' 'ad told 'im about the space above the celin'.

  Chance is a bitch. I mean, maybe they didn't look too 'ard for me ('cos I wasn't goin' nowhere) an' they took another kid. All dumb luck he was killed an' I wasn't–'cos I got one look through the open door. 'Ceptin' a host of snowflakes, an' a dark sky, through which seeing that anyone was in trouble, let alone who it was, would be some feat–there was a wing round the frame. A goose's wing, but it might just as well have been a misplaced angel.

  Miss Belacqua told me about poor Tony as well–

  Did yer notice, I never called 'im little?


	10. Chapter9:The fire, and lonliness

Chapter9

  Ratter. 

  Nuffin' left, jus' the name. An' a big suckin', growin', empty 'ole, screamin;

–Ratter ain't wiv' me!

  The  snow could 'ave been the white station walls, the tree line could 'ave been the press of 'ouses 'angin' over our street–the frozen wind could 'ave been Bridget's arms–wouldn't 'ave cared or noticed. All one great cold universe where just one thing 'ad let me know I 'ad any right to be–she'd watched me path, now I was lost in me own loaf. In the everlasting sadness Ratter had fought off, for me.

  I could walk though, an' stumped froo the snows. Called 'er name once or twice, seemed to last an' 'our every time. I fell in the snow. I saw Ratter like a pencil drawin' but it were cold as the air, an' the 'ole were over it. I couldn't make 'er real, I couldn't 'elp 'er!

  Ratter, I jus' wanted yer eyes, the warmth of yer breath. Knowin' my love made yer real, an' knowin' your love–an' if yer didn't know where I was, oh, I couldn't stand finkin' it, jus' let us be joined again! Me 'and twitched over the snow, an' the feel of Ratter's fur filled me world. But there were nuffin' underneaf' it. When the cold 'ad reached me brain after fifteen minutes, I didn't stop meself screamin'.

  Then there were lights–shapes I fought were buildin's. Warm, light, needed warmth light, an' to see deamons–jus' to know they were still there. Then there's screamin'–not me–pain, like bein' 'it by sticks, an' the deamons–I saw them–they couldn't look at me. They 'ad there 'umans, an' what good was I wiv'out me deamon to care for?;

–So tell me, where is she?

–Where did me Ratter go?

–Tell her I'm 'ere, an' I want 'er–

  Bein' 'it didn't matter, but for all the warmth there, none of it were Ratter's. I went back to the woods, where no world might exist but this guideless blur of pain–but I couldn't forget. The 'ole stayed wide open all round me, an' Ratter was sum'ere. I couldn't stop wantin' 'er, an' I deserved this pain for not bein' 'er comfort, an' for clutchin' that fish to me 'art, were she 'ad been–I went back an' went in the ware'ouse, 'cos I didn't know 'ow we'd been parted, but fought it were indoors. The people wiv' deamons still tried 'ittin' me, but didn't get too close, don't care why. The fish were nearly cold as the snow–but anyfing! Anyfing that would mebbe care a tiny bit that I was there–why not the fish? It were shiny–couldn't it learn a bit of deamonin' till Ratter found me?

  Then the bear, wiv' no deamon, an' the girl wiv' a real deamon 'oo spoke to me, an' 'eld me in arms covered in fur, as we went sum'ere–Ratter 'ad to be there–she weren't 'ere to tell me different. The girl's deamon were joy an' agony mixed up, but the girl–she weren't afraid to be close, an' she 'ad a little warmth. Sorry, didn't fink of Bridget once, in fact the warmth there vanished, the second I got off the bear, an' saw all the people wiv' deamons afraid of me, an' Ratter no'ere. The void in me were nearly summin' solid, couldn't be dented–me fingers locked round the fish–Ratter was far away, or could be close, an' not sharin' me life–I couldn't 'ave let go if I wanted, even if the lifeline didn't 'ave nuffin' on the end.

  An' they didn't know where me Ratter was evvier, I asked 'em, but she wasn't anywhere. An' I didn't know she was comin'. It'd got too painful thinkin' 'ow she was tryin' to find me, an' what she felt like, 'ours from when she went, very near. Couldn't do anyfing for 'er. Nuffin' I could do at all. The men sat roun' me, deamons clingin' to 'em, not goin' or doin' anyfing. Feel of soup over me lips jus' drained out me mind, straight off. World 'ad become plain an' scribbly as drawin'–but sumun' else's memory. Makin' anyfing into sense an' life, well, only Ratter could tell me I was alive. Now I jus' wanted 'er to find me, but the worst fing was knowin' she'd be sufferin' the same.

–Why stay here then, Tony (I didn't see the face)?

–Want Ratter to find me.

–There's just one place you'll come together. All the pain will go, and you can stop fighting for nothing–

–Oh, yeah ('Ee waits, I'm silent). Ratter's gonna be there?

  'Is eyes flick towards a sledge–where the girl was sleepin', though I'd forgot.

–She'll find you there.

  The fish (meant new life–meant another cycle of senseless pain) was cold under me 'ands, an' that was it.

  I told all the kids down 'ere Ratter's gonna find me, but when none of 'em 'ave got deamons, the words are so empty they might just as well not exist. Me death took me down here, made for me, but for takin' me inna nuffin'. I want me Ratter, 'cos she means life, learnin' fings an' growin' up–she'd just need to be here, an' the darkness would flood with sunlight and fields of dandelions. Just give me another life, an' we'd make another Eden–no, we couldn't, not after this, an' all the miserable faces that hide in rooms an' alleys, all round me, saying why should I live if they can't–I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not anyfing. If me an' Ratter can't see each other we're nowhere–the Gobblers vanished the both of us.

*    *    *

(Bridget's POV)

  Oh Tony. Yer always 'ad a terrible sad look, but just 'avin' a soul of yer own was all yer needed, even back then, sometimes. Yer grow up when yer leave paradise–yer comfort zone, mebbe. But you left life. So life lost you before you found it, an' two cold stars dropped down separate courses into the pit…I can't stop meself pulling me sleeve up–I stopped doin' it to meself quickly, but the lines are still there.

  Suppose I've gotta finish the story. Give yer some kinda upbeat ending, huh? Good fing it'll never get published 'cos I ain't really spoken like this for years–the ole' talk's strange now–I near drown in memories whenever I 'ear it spoken proper.

  I woke, me ears full of a distant explosion, like a call that could 'ave been for me, an' a mournful wailin'. Dru squeaked in alarm as smoke began to fill our nostrils, fill the tiny dark space–we got down sharpish, an' I rushed down the stairs, startin' to cough. A boy ran past, wearin' 'is coal–silks;

–That's the fire alarm, it's a signal for us escapin', jus' remember yer winter stuff–

–'OW are we gettin' out of 'ere (But 'ee was already gone)?

– (Dru was a grey'ound again) Head away from the fire!

  I looked for a minute, then I ran. Men were runnin' about, but didn't notice me–I felt cold air on me face, an' 'eaded for that–ran inna a crowd of kids, all wearin' coal–silk, but didn't know if I should go back–I saw a 'eap of wood an' rubble in a room off the kitchen, an' there were a 'ole blown froo the wall there an' clean froo the kitchen wall, givin' off cold like a white dragon's breath. I ran for it, but tripped in the rubble–at the moment of the second explosion.

  Broken floor boards and wall tiles, with bits of metal, dug into me front–an' showered over me back, one or two bits alight. I could smell the fire froo me nosebleed–oh, panic kicked escape right out me, 'ead, I jus' lost it.

  Lyin' on wood wiv' the fire around–I didn't know how Tony went off, then, but it gives a little sense of solemnity to an 'orrible memory. That was 'ow Tony went, Skraelin' chief an' Jordan scholar rolled into one, just like 'ee never was. 'Ee 'ad a 'art, an' that's it, should be all life demands of anyone. But if that was the shape the coin was left in–yeah I know it's not tin–I weren't scorched black wiv' it. I crawled over the rubble an' 'id in a corner wiv' Dru. Even wiv' 'im big an' furry an' coverin' me, an' us both next to a radiator, I was very soon frozen to faintin'. Not even the wild–eyed man in furs, pointin' a rifle, shocked me when he came.

–Huh? (Don't tell me we've gotta do more running Bridget)

–Thank the L–, ah, jus' a blessin' on whatever left you 'ere (I feel furs coverin' me, an' this man 'aulin' me up, like me Dad carryin' me up to bed when I was little) Now talk all ye can, we can't have the luckiest girl in this bloody country freezin' to death.

–Mister, what's goin' on?

  But then 'ee didn't tell me to 'spect answers. The next weeks were a blur–the next months stand out bright and sharp, full of painful piecin' together–an' truths that would 'ave killed me if I'd been told the night we all escaped. The Gyptians I'd do anyfing for, an' I'm still in contact wiv' a few girls from Bolvangar–'sepecially since I gave up on that 'talkin' to more people' idea as not doin' me any good. I stayed in me room for weeks, an' Dru didn't settle for a year at least. Like I said, I cut meself, 'cos everything that had been really big in my world was suddenly small and alone in an Arctic night.

  Now things are loosenin' up wiv' Church control, one bloke called Simon Thatcher wants to write a book, wiv' all our stories in, an' since I'm a journalist now, 'ee wrote an' asked if I could 'elp. I'm gonna see about it, an' yeah, Tony will get a big slice, but all the other deserve one too. I'm almost a society lady now–but one wiv' fewer real mates than ever. Even in the middle of crowds, my eyes might get locked on Dru's, an' we share the fearful knowledge of what 'ung over us back there. An' that me life's on mortgage–this life is one I need to earn.


End file.
